Day 6 – Banff to Jasper

Our last morning in Banff was spent at the Hot Springs. which was superb, The walk to the pools make you turn a shade of blue that would be enough to pass a screen test for a Smurf movie but jump into the water for 40 degree luxury. However, you are then stuck in the predicament of having to get out and freeze you chaps off or just die happy in the hot springs. It was when I asked the life guard if he would mind bringing me some food and a drink that he got a mood on and threatened to start charging me rent if I stayed much longer that I reluctantly moved on.

Later in the afternoon we took a 4 hour bus ride North to Jasper. We waited 45 minutes for it to turn up by which time my toes had long since stopped responding. 'Are you cold in the back' asked the driver, 'No mate it's perfect back here - IF WE WANT TO MAKE ICE CUBES – TURN THE FUCKING HEATER ON!'

We found a great place to stay in Jasper called The Bears Den – hot enough to boil a monkeys bum, 100's of DVDs, all the comforts of home. My love affair with the snow is starting to whither.

Day 5 – Banff

When Ciara suggested we spend a day on the piss I jumped at the chance. I was expecting Guinness for breakfast, hot rum for lunch and an evening on the Baileys and whiskey. Unfortunately my ears must have been frozen solid as what she wanted was a day on the piste. 

It's simple really, Ski, Fall on your arse, ski again. Ciara skiied, I fell on my arse. I got the hang of it (like Joey Deacon got the hang of speaking) and a great day was had by all, such a good time in fact that I may have doomed myself to skiing holidays for the next ten years.

Tired after a long day on the slopes (I know you are just boiling with sympathy for us) we headed back into Banff and went for a beer, I had taken one mouthful when the girl sitting next to us at the bar bluted out "I have just split up with my boyfriend of 5 years he was seeing someone else I came to Canada and I am having the time of my life", the look on her face suggested she wasn't having the time of her life, and for the next 30 minutes I certainly didn't.

Day 4 – Banff

With an ice hike lined up for the afternoon we had the morning to explore the town of Banff – which took considerably less than the morning (in fact it would have taken considerably less than an hour had it not been for the 3 feet of snow on the ground) as most of the shops sold nothing but cheap tat adorned with grizzly bears and maple leafs, and all the other shops sold expensive tat adorned with grizzly bears and maple leafs. We bought wedding presents for the next 5 years.

In the afternoon we headed into the wilderness (for those of you who remember the TV show Grizzly Adams – that's exactly what it's like) for a walk into Johnsons Canyon. Johnson was a gold prospector from the area who spent years looking for non-existent gold, finally admitting defeat he went back to camp showing off a nugget he claimed to have discovered (which he had bought), when the rest of the camp went scurrying to the spot he had pinpointed, he robbed all their tents and left town. What an ingenious fiend.

The scenery was fantastic (Cheddar Gorge it wasn't) and after 2 hours of walking we made it to a frozen waterfall – amazingly 3 blokes spent the next 30 minutes climbing it - now that was impressive. One of the girls with us took out her water bottle which had frozen solid – to give you some idea of the temperature I suggest you place your feet in the freezer for about 17 hours. 

The guide who had taken us into the Canyon invited us for a beer in the evening as he was meeting friends for a paper, rock, scissors competition. I hope he was joking but feared he wasn't, so declined his offer.