Day 1 – London to Quito

Here is my list of things to do prior to the start of my South America trip:

1. Reconfirm flights

– check

2. Start taking Malaria tablets

– check

3. Arrange first night's accommodation in Quito

– check

4. Get really, really, really drunk, fall down a staircase and smash my head open on a wall via a glass lampshade

– check

Unfortunately I only managed three out of four on the above list. All was not lost, however, as it turned out I did not have to bother reconfirming my flights. I probably could have done without the trip to casualty but managed to do that two nights before we were due to fly – much to Ciara's delight.

We flew with Delta Airlines who seem to run a unique check-in procedure. First, you check-in at home, print out your boarding pass and bring that to the airport, then you are directed back to the check-in queue to get a REAL (she said it in capitals) boarding pass. I enquired if there was any need for us to have bothered doing anything at home, but was met with a very harsh stare, although that could have been the plaster on my forehead.

The food was good, the films were either great (Sin Nombre), good (State of Play), or absolute toss (Terminator 4).

The first 10 hours flew by (bu-dum-tish) however the flight was broken by a three hour lay over in Atlanta, where we were required to join a 500 strong queue of people to pass through immigration and security This took an excruciating 45 minutes after which we were directed around a corner to another queue to pass through the same immigration and security before we could... wait for it... get back on the plane.

After being aggravated by an 18 stone security guard for over an hour constantly barking;

'Move along please, sir' – "I am moving, I understand how a queue works, I'm not Egyptian" I needed a drink.

After being charged $9 for a drink, I needed another drink but quickly realised the folly of this plan. I would like to report that at least I didn't leave a tip but it seems they even take that in advance these days.

Tired and hungry I ordered a Burrito and watched in amazement as the girl used a Tortilla so big it could have been used as a parachute for a labrador (if one were ever needed) and loaded it with enough chicken, cheese, beans and rice to a supply a small army (of labradors perhaps?) or one American.

Although the second part of the flight seemed to have some kind of drinking restriction in place – I didn't see a crew member for nearly two hours – I finally arrived at the hotel 26 or so hours after leaving home.