Day 25 – Vilcabamba to Trujilla (via Loya, Piura and Chiclayo)

Christmas Day GMT 9am

I would imagine you are sauntering downstairs in your nice new dressing gown, popping open a bottle of sparkling before starting the day with a nice chilled Bucks Fizz and hot buttered crumpets.

Christmas Day GMT -5hrs (4am Peru time)

I am currently on a bus that is so hot I have to have the window open to breathe, with the force nine gale that is now blowing in my face I can't read my book, that is of little consequence however, as none of the lights in the cabin work anyway. I am on my second bus of the night. I started the evening with a one hour bus ride from Vilcabamba to Loja, after waiting four hours there I boarded this heat wagon and have now been on it for five hours – with another two hours still to go. The only relief came when I had to cross the border from Ecuador to Peru which involved waking the lone customs officer from his slumber – he wished me all the best for the season (I think that is what he was shouting).

Christmas Day GMT 2pm

The presents are open, the socks are on. The turkey is basted and you are considering a pre-lunchtime advocaat and lemonade.

Christmas Day GMT -5hrs (9am Peru time)

I am in Piura or to use it's western name: Hell. It is an odious little border town in Peru where the second bus dumped me before pulling into an armoured compound. The next bus I have to take is with a different bus company and from a different station, although it is only 200 metres away (I can see it from where I am standing) I have been informed that if I choose to walk I would arrive wearing only my shoes and a – rapidly fading – smile.

Christmas Day GMT 7pm

The Bond film is on, the whiskey is in the jar. Perhaps one more wa-fer thin mint. Beautiful!

Christmas Day GMT -5hrs (2pm Peru time)

My two hour wait in Piura was followed by the third bus of the day – a mere three hours – to Chiclayo which is not quite as crappy as the last place but I would still rather wake up to Gary Glitter's smiling face than this town. I am sweating, waiting and close to crying now on the fourth bus which was supposed to leave an hour ago but as not many people are here the driver has kindly decided to wait until it fills up a bit more.

Christmas Day GMT 12am

Wake up on the sofa, 'Balls, missed the end of Bond again'. Perhaps a quick sherry before bed. And a bit of cheese.

Christmas Day GMT -5hrs (7pm Peru time)

The fourth and final bus of the day plods into Trujillo at such a pace that at one stage I had to check that we were not towing the Peruvian Olympic Sumo Wrestling Team behind us.

Santa you owe me, now where did I pack those humbugs?